Updated: Sep 28, 2020
As a matchmaker, sometimes clients who are attractive and successful and whom technically should have no trouble finding a partner, will come to me telling me about their frustrations and difficulty with dating. The first thing I ask them is "how do you usually get your dates?' and more often than not, dating apps are on the top of the list. They often tell me that the people they speak to on these apps don't show up for dates and if they get lucky and they don't get ghosted, it rarely leads to a second date, and even more rarely to multiple dates. As a matchmaker with a degree in behavioral psychology, I see the reason for this as having multiple layers to it.
1. Dating apps are set up at a disadvantage to women
You swipe left or right, either way it's a lose-lose situation if you're a woman. And why is that? Because by swiping right and "liking" a guy, at some point in time when you match with him, on a subconscious level, he will assume that if you swiped right on him that you must already "like" him even though he has never met you in person and has done nothing to earn your approval. By nature, men are hunters and like to compete and they will put in more effort if they are not sure of where they stand with you. But if a man thinks he has already won your approval, even by doing something as innocent as swiping right on him and "liking" him, he will not put in as much effort as he normally would. And the apps designed so that women have to message the men first, are the worst for women because they make interacting and getting a date with a woman the least challenging for men. Apps would be designed for more women to succeed if swiping right actually said "maybe I like you, but it depends."
2. When women fail, men fail too
One would assume that if women are not doing so well using these apps, then the guys using them must be doing great. Well, maybe in the short term men have more success than women, but in the long term, they lose out too. The men on these apps who are attractive or successful and have a lot of options, are looking for that one girl who will be a challenge for them, and it's not likely they will find that girl using these apps. These men often end up becoming "serial daters" or "players" even if their original intention was actually to find a girlfriend.
3. Humans don't do well with too many options
It's a known fact that when humans have too many options, they usually don't end up choosing anything at all. There's a fear that if you settle with one option, you're going to miss out on all the other possible options. Because you have so much access to so many different people on these apps, it tricks your brain into thinking that you have many more options than you actually do. When you think you have more options than you actually do, you don't end up settling with anyone because there's an assumption that someone better will come along if you hold out. You feel like you're at an all you can eat buffet and don't want to eat too much of something to save room for everything else, even if the thing you're eating is so delicious! Either you or the person you're interested in has this way of thinking by using these apps and it adds another layer to the problem.
4. Meeting from a dating app is just not natural
Let's face it, it's just not natural to meet someone from an app. When you meet someone while you are out and about living your life, you can see what they look like in person and if you have chemistry with them right away without wasting time having to talk to them through your phone first. If you're set up with or introduced to someone, then you probably trust the judgment of the person making the introduction and so you feel like the person you're being introduced to has already essentially been verified. These are the natural ways men and women have met for centuries in the United States. According to a study conducted in 2015, and published by eharmony.com, only 20% of couples in committed relationships meet through online dating sites or dating apps. This shows that in the short amount of time that online dating sites and dating apps have been around, they have not been able to compete with these natural methods that have been proven to work throughout time.
What's the take away from all of this?
Dating apps currently don't work for many people looking for deeper connections and long term relationships. That's not to say that someday they won't, but at the present time they don't work for a lot of people. If you've had similar experiences with dating apps, let me know in the comments below. And if you would like a professional to do the work for you, finding you that significant other whom you've been looking for, and some guidance during the dating process, check out my home page to learn more about my matchmaking services!
With Love and Light
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